i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
