i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That was an excessively violent trivia night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
