i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
40s are totally the cure
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
