i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
