mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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