If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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