i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Drunk is a universal language darling
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
