i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
