I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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