dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
