When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
