i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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