She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
