I think I won the penis lottery.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
