I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
