Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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