Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
