My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
