she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
