I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
