He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
