I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Why is there bacon in the couch?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
