Whats the glycemic index on semen?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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