and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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