just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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