Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize