I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
