Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
