please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
