oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
