Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
