I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
