Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
