Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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