Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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