So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
