Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
