dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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