Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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