so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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