If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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