Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
