but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
