My Higher Power is John Stamos
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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