Where did you get a picture of my penis
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
