she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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