Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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