he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
