So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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