It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My bed is full of blood and feathers
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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