I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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