i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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