I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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