Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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