Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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